What’s all this sh!t I’ve been told about the f!cking joy of home ownership. If I see one more goddamed home improvement show showing happy f!cking home owners beating some ragged piece of sh!t house into a palace, in two easy weekends I’ll be up on the roof naked with a deer rifle. This mutherf!k, f!ck, son of a f!cking, b!tt-f!cked piece of f!cking sh!t house is breaking my f!cking balls. I have replaced carpet, built doors, fixed windows, painted rooms, painted the shop, restored terrazzo, installed air conditioners, paint the trim, hanging blinds, hanging curtains, put in windows, wired phones, fixed the cable, fixed the fence, fixed the fans, fixed the bird bath, fixed the sheds, fixed the roof, framed, drywalled, put in a driveway, repaired wiring, repaired dryers, rebuilt counters, installed freezers, dishwashers, well pumps, hotwater heaters, sprinklers, shelves, washing machines, closets, lights ,ceailin fans, water filters. I've laid sod, planted all kinds of green sh!t from my psycho father-in-law ( I’ve got banana trees and pineapple plants, what the f!ck do I care about f!cking banana trees and pineapple plants ) which requires more upkeep than the f!cking baby. Between the sod, the weed pulling, the dirt, the mulch, the bug spray, the weed and feed, more goddam bug spray, pulling up the sh!ty expensive sod and replacing it with more sh!ty sod, fungicide, pruning, more f!cking bug spraying, fixing the bug sprayer, more mulch, more cow sh!t, paying the EPA fines for excessive spraying, paying the County fines for watering on a day ending in Y. Besides the usual stuff, kid’s, dinner, oil changes, wash the piece of sh!t dog, replace the clutch, fixing computers, kids to the doctors, kids to movies, kid to baseball/football/track, change the baby, read to the baby.
But when I stand in the road out in front of my house and look hard, remembering that I’ve only been here a short year, thinking of the 10’s of thousands of dollars, the man-hours, the sweat and toil involved, looking at MY HOUSE, I can honestly say that it doesn’t look like I’ve done a f!cking thing...
Maybe if I stand here long enough the f!cked up neighbor kid will run me over.
I wrote this 9 years ago after we purchased a fixer upper with enough bedrooms for our 5 kids....it's never going to be finished.....
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